Ordinary days

OK, so I've been back in the country of 'POPiS' for over a week.
From what I can still recall it felt like 'it's good to be back home' on the day when I arrived in Poznan. But only too soon I realised that I cannot stay in the city, as I need to spend some 'quality time' with my family...
I've spent most of my days on the farm and my feelings are, well..., let's say they are mixed. On one hand it is good to have some people around- I was kind of isolated in England, but on the other hand, here I've been thrown onto another extreme- there are too many people around. The cottage is now forced to fit 11 people, and it was never meant to do that... Not to mention the fact that when there are 11 people thrown together in one place, and 6 of them are under-aged conflicts will occur..., order and tidiness is unlikely, noise and fights and other 'excitements' are quite frequent...
For some reason, I've become a housewife for the time-being...
I get up in the morning and tidy the beds, then clean the kitchen- tons of dishes after breakfast, do the laundry, and by the time I'm done with my breakfast it's already high time to begin to organise the dinner for 11- this never fails to provide me with a challenge... Then it's time to tidy again, time to help on the farm, and before I know it it's late evening... And that's more or less what my ordinary days look like- some variation appears from time to time, but on the whole they all look the same.
I do only few things, yet it takes all day to complete all my chores and... there is no time to study, or should I say no willingness and the chores only provide me with an excuse? I really couldn't tell...

Going

Next week at this time of the day I shall be back home. I've spent most of the day trying to work out whether I am happy about it or treat it as a big misfortune... I'm still not quite sure.
The first four weeks of my stay here were really good- the best I can remember since this weird tradition of spending a summer month in England began. I work but little and have plenty of time for contemplation, walks, book-reading and friend-chatting. I feel quite relaxed, really. The children love me. I feel needed here. So why should I be glad about going back home?
Home, where boring farm-life awaits, where the entire oncoming month is bound to be stress-filled... I should know better than that! But I don't.
I spent this weekend in France- visited magnificent places and met marvellous people, spent hours with my favourite French and felt special, really special. Now that I'm back here, I no longer feel so. I've been here too long, I became a part of the place again, and I think the time has come to move on again. I need a bit of a change. I need some sense of security but not too much. I need to see my friends again. I need to talk, to laugh, to cry with them.
I need to begin a new chapter in my life again- the time has come, I can feel it. I can't forever drink latte and read books- I need to move! And no matter what happens to me over the next couple of weeks, I am perfectly certain it will be something new. My life is about to change again and I can't wait for that.

Under

'There is nothing I can do,' I said to myself this morning lying half-awake in my bed, 'my life will never change.' It was true, in a way, my life always follows the same pattern, ever since I remember, or to be more precise, ever since I became a conscious being.
I am lost and don't know what to do, then an opportunity appears and I follow it, it seems all very well for a while, I feel happy, ecstatic sometimes, and then the feeling slowly dies down, gives way to the routine, the sense of helplessness and loss of control slowly creeps over me, I give into it, I begin to slip, to sink deeper and deeper, dark thoughts gather around me thoughts of the past without bright future, the feeling of loneliness, uselessness and then all becomes dark- I go to sleep...
I sleep a lot, whenever I am depressed. My mind and body give in. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I want to sleep and never wake up again...
It happened again- it gained momentum yesterday. And this morning (noon, to be more precise- I slept a lot) I was still weak and I wondered- 'why does it still frighten me so much whenever I feel that I am going down? Why am I still afraid that I will stay at the bottom and never resurface again? Is it at all possible?' I lay in bed and wondered. But then somebody gave me a push forward, I pulled myself together and began to tidy my room and with it my mind again. Everything fell into place, everything was crystal clear and it still is. I only hope that the bright spot will stay around for longer this time. I don't want to take a plunge again, not just yet...

Complaint

It's only nine o'clock and I'm already in bad mood, likely to stay this way for the rest of the day.
I'd just like to say that I love children, this is why I want to teach and this is why I am a nanny. Children are cute and interesting, full of surprises, etc.
But I do not have any children of my own and I don't plan to have any, not in the near future at least. Being a teacher or a nanny gives one a big advantage over being a parent- there are times when there are no children with you and near you, when you can have a bit of a break, sometimes so necessary, from their company. At least this is what it should be like.
This is why I am in such a state at the moment. It is selfish what I am going to say and I do feel ashamed but my grumpiness is stronger than me this morning. The thing is, that in order to be good with children I need to be psychologically ready for their company. And living in the same house with two of them I know that when I come downstairs for breakfast I need to be prepared that the will want my company and I am OK with that- OK because I am prepared.
Today at 7:30 I was not prepared for two children running into my room- one jumping on to of me and the other demanding the permission to play on the computer. They then returned into the room in a similar manner every time when I managed to get all snugly again. The reason why this took place- they are spending the morning with their daddy, who doesn't give a fig where his children are and what they are doing. I begin to believe that men are hopeless careproviders... It is his fault that I am unnerved by the children that I love so much.
I am unnerved because I hate being woken up by surprise. I tend to wake up a few minutes before my alarm clock rings, and even the fact that it was an alarm waking me up not myself can leave me grumpy for the rest of the day. Now, two children violating my personal space when I was planning to sleep for another 2 hours leave me feeling a bit edgy. And I need to recover fast, cause in an hour I take over the responsibility of looking after them and I can't allow myself for any hostile feelings. I need to be happy and sunny and loving and caring. What shall I do to get back on track? Yoga?!? I feel so angry at the moment, I don't even trust myself to go for a breakfast as I would certainly meet my host-dad there and I don't feel like saying 'good morning' to him today...
Those are the adventures of me back in my au pair shoes... the shoes which are not always quite as comfortable as I would wish them to be...

Cambridge

There is something special about this town. Something that makes me want to go there as often as I can and allows me to brave the streets crowded with tourists (it's the Asians, as usual, but also many Portuguese and Spanish speakers this year). I do not consider myself a tourist, it is my town, it has a special place in my heart. Every year it waits for me patiently to come and then welcomes me and wraps me in its snugly, historical, romantic atmosphere. It is like an old friend to me. But I really mean the city itself here, not the people- they are just there, and I am not sure whether they add to or spoil the atmosphere of it all. There are lots of them and they are loud, but they can be also interesting sometimes- I like to watch them...
I have a favourite bookstore in Cambridge and on the top floor it has a cafe. I enjoy picking up a book and taking it there to read and to observe other people sitting in the cafe at the same time. They are my background and sometimes I just stop reading for a moment and try to analyse them. They all have their own lives, their own different stories, we all do in fact. But by sitting in that cafe, at that particular moment our stories become interwoven. They are the background for my story and I am the background for theirs- it is really quite amazing when you think about it...
The couple in front of me- the guy doing all he can to sound witty and interesting and to become a part of the life of the pretty girl who is sitting there with him. The noisy English girls giggling over their bags full of shopping- perfectly happy, their heads full of nonsense. The Asian family- they are really grasping- a father treating his four daughters to some hot chocolate, they look so happy, he obviously feels out of place but is content to just watch his girls. And then the three French girls sitting next to me. Completely oblivious of their noisy background, of the chatty British- they are laughing and playing cards together, occasionally make a remark in their pretty language...
Everyone, everything fits together here. And then there is the place, this particular town that makes it possible for all these people, and me among them to come together and just be, be a part of the whole...
This beautiful town, full of Roman walls, the universities bursting with their heritage, the stunning old architecture, the cute bridges, the narrow winding streets...

Salcombe

I am back to 'my room' after a week spent at the seaside with 'my family'. It was lovely, even the moody British weather didn't manage to spoil our time there. Yes, there was some rain, but on the whole we had lots of sunshine, much more than we had expected, and a very nice holiday as a result.

I love Devon. It's so beautiful, and when the weather is nice, well it's just breathtaking- the sunshine reflected by the turquoise water, the boats slowly rocking on the waves, the delicate sea breeze on my face, the hills and the stunning rocks- what is there not to love?

The only downside of the area is that it is the favourite place of the British well-off middle class families to spend their holidays, as a result walking along the charming little streets of the town one is in danger of hearing too many empty-headed, narrow-minded and snobbish conversations of these people. This really puts me off of the entire nation. Favourite topics- clothes, gossip, property prices, and properties themselves, posh schools to which their kids ought to be sent and more of the such- it is really quite distasteful. And these people do actually feel that they are on top of the world, right after the aristocracy that is...

The Land of the Queen...

I am in England once more. I come here so often, it feels almost like home. I have 'my family' here, 'my children', 'my car', 'my room', etc.
The kids are great- R&O- 5&7 and they are 'mine' cause I know them almost all their lives. They can make me wish I had stayed at home sometimes, but generally they are very lovable. The Kubica book I got for R. was a huge success, but the flower one for O. was a bit less so. She spent the entire evening drawing funny men for me, but when I was putting her to bed, she said: 'actually, next time can I have a speedy car book like R? Cause flowers are a bit boring...' She made me laugh a lot. It's not easy to a be a younger sister, I know that very well.
My room is quite big, not the sweet pink/cream/brown one I lived in when I first came here. It's the same room, but my tiny telly is no longer here- there is a huge one, DVD, VCR included- but I really preferred the other one... There is internet and laptop on my disposal- so instead of reading a book I surf. And there are stains on the pink carpet, and a huge ugly table- my room was not like that... Still it's lovely to sleep in the huge bed again, to find a gorgeous bouquet of red roses especially picked for me by R, to have a long hot bath and to relax on my own.
I sometimes feel lonely and unhappy here, but on the whole I really like to spend my free time on my own in a peaceful, private room, that is untill a child comes knocking on my door and asking to come and play, and something like that does take place at least every 15 minutes...
And the there is the car- a red Rover, I used to drive a cute silver Hyundai, an automatic, which made my life so much easier, but for the past 3 years the red monster is on my disposal and I do not like it at all. I don't like driving, for one thing, unlike other people, I don't feel safe and happy behind the wheel, I feel potential danger- I could hurt somebody, so I try to be very careful, become very tense... And then parking- I am always terrified that I will hit somebody....
But soon, very soon I am off to Cambridge for the rest of the afternoon- will be able to 'get lost' in the tiny, sweet streets, go into a cafe and have a latte with a view of the adorable old town, I love Cambridge....

Feeling lonely.

A rather pessimistic post on my side today, as usual actually, but I feel that I ought to apologize anyway...
The past few days were quite remarkable. I had a great time and spent endless hours talking to my 'special' friend, went out a lot, visited new places and felt blissful.
But those days are over now. The flat in Poznan feels empty and sad again.
For this reason, I came to my parents' house for the weekend. Here one has no right to feel lonely- there is too much to do and too many people wonder in and out of the farm. I've already cleaned the kitchen and said hello to my cats, now I will look for another occupation, so as not to let the sadness creep over me.
I will be OK soon, I dare say. On Monday I'm off to Cambridge to do my annual nanny thing- hope I will survive ;)
xxx

the sun

Finally, a bit of sun...
The past few days were really horrible- so much for good Polish weather to show to my French friend...
I am thoroughly ashamed of the weather, it's not exactly hospitable.... Rather rude and unfriendly, really... Spitting rain on foreign visitors ;)
Just to add a bit to the previous post- I am rather more optimistic now about the flat. I am not at home, as my clothes have to live in the suitcase, so I am daily reminded that this is not my room, but... In general, I've setled in, no hostility at least...
Have a good Sunday, a sunny day...

New Place

It's my first day/night in the new flat.
It's very strange... I feel exactly the same way as I did whenever, as a little girl, I went to spend my holidays in my aunt's house. It doesn't feel like home... It's not exactly friendly, the flat I mean, and the atmosphere here. It's weird, really. New place, new people, and gosh, I have intenet now, that's really amazing ;)
It's been very sad- moving out of my old flat, saying goodbye to the garden, to the cats, to 'the grandma', to the cemetery and especially to my flatmate. I will see her soon again, but it won't be the same anymore, we won't be sharing the same room, the same everyday troubles...
I feel sad...

Politics...

Sometimes it is very difficult to be a religious Catholic in this country...
I like to think that I am religious - a believer and an active member of the Church. I believe in the teachings of the Holy Bible, I attend masses regularly, I pray at least twice a day, I talk to God in my thoughts quite frequently, etc. At the same time I am quite selfish, sarcastic and bitchy, but I try really hard to improve, to become a better person- loving and altruistic, it is not easy and I stumble a lot but I try nonetheless.
However, recently it has become very difficult for me to visit God in His house and attend a mass without feeling a serious discord between the teaching of priests and my own conscience, believes and better judgement. For I am a liberal feminist, I can't help it. I don't think that gay people are sick, that a woman's role is minding the house, the children and the house on top of a professional career (if she's suicidal enough to crave for one) and I think that the doctors, nurses, etc. have every right to go on strike...
Sadly, this doesn't quite agree with the teachings I get in Church every Sunday. And I don't mean the teachings of the Holly Bible, I mean the opinion of the priests. It really bothers me how far the Church goes in trying to influence the politics in my country. How bent it is on promoting the 'healthy family' model and on showing off 'religiousness', whereas the beliefs ought to be well hidden within one's heart and not displayed to the public.
And today, when the priest began his sermon by criticising the protests of the nurses, doctors and teachers, saying that they are attempts of 'a force' to destroy 'the force presently in power' to regain the power themselves. (I am not making this up!)
So then the sermon went on to talk about the joy of making a sacrifice etc. but it mattered no more what the priest was saying, because I was angry and unhappy with his first words and could listen to him no more.
It makes me so very sad that when I go to meet God in the Church and I meet politics and political lobby instead... Why does it have to be like that? The place for God is, true, everywhere, but the place for politics is not, it should be limited. I say NO to the omnipresent politics!!!!

Almost there!

Hey there!

The difficult days are over.

The exams belong to the past (well, yeah, there is a serious one ahead, one like none of the others, a scary-monster-diploma exam, but that one belongs to the far off future of two weeks on). Right now it is time to relax and take it easy, time to take deep breath, a large sip of red wine, to read my favorite book and watch my favorite film, to talk to my favorite people and to listen to my favorite songs, time to sleep and to eat, time to celebrate... me!

Over the weekend I will try to recharge my batteries, to gain strength. I will try not to think of the Methodology exam results and I will try not to panic before the diploma one. I am also not supposed to study anything just yet...

That's the plan. Whether I will stick to it is a different matter... I will probably start panicking any moment now.... I feel it coming...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Ps. This is what I am supposed to look like if I do graduate...

Finally, the worst part of the practical exam is over. Speaking is a piece of cake in comparison to the other four parts- they are truly special, lol!
I'm home now and a gorgeous thunderstorm has passed here a while ago, now the air is fresh and smells so sweetly. It smells of the roses that my mother planted this year outside of my window- they are splendid!
I'll go now and play with my kittens... I believe I've already mentioned that cats are full of surprises, well I was gone for 2 weeks, I come back today and what do I see? Eight kittens instead of two! Magic!!!!
xxx

7/6/7

Oh, how difficult I find it simply to sit down and study for the exam. Virtually impossible. It’s only two days away, so I should really get started, but I can’t. My brain is overloaded and I can’t find a place for myself to settle in at the moment. I’ve tried to sit down in my room to study vocabulary but instead I ended up reading through my favourite "Jane Eyre" passages. Charlotte Bronte has little to do with McCarthy and Misztal but at least she uses a lot of interesting vocabulary, so I may be excused for his moment (o.k. two hours) of weakness… Then, I wanted to do the finishing touches on my thesis but … I went to the garden instead, I tried to work on grammar but after an hour the landlords returned and I decided to go back in. Now I was supposed to analyse a voice for tomorrow’s class but I haven’t got a favourite voice among celebrities, I really don’t! All of the favorite voices I can think of are voices of my friends and acquaintances… they won’t do, so instead I’m writing for my blog. I should be home at some point this upcoming weekend so I can post it then.
I hope my flatmate is home soon, she’s the only person capable of motivating me at the moment. Whenever I’m home alone, I can think of so may things to do that all the things which need doing are always left undone- bad girl!

Rough times

I hate German!!!

I've recently discovered it... Now, that my exam is approaching real fast, I am positive- I hate it more than I can say!

I used to be pretty good at German in high school, I took it as my chosen subject at my matura exam, and I got a 5, well OK a 4 on the written exam, a 5 on the oral one, but still. It seemed like a piece of cake.

5 years later, I can't understand the language, let alone speak it...

And for God's sake, I don't have time now to learn it anew!!!

Eh!

I'd better change the topic...

My cat has had 2 lovely kittens this week. A black one and a ginger one- I love cats!

They are such wonderful creatures- nice and cute and fluffy and cuddly one moment and independent and rough the next- just like me! OK, I am the latter more often, but still.

Perhaps I'm a wild cat?

In any case, whatever my last name may suggest to you, I'm not a German cat- lol!

the heat...

It's sooooo hot!

I can't stand this heat!

Two hours on a train- that's a real challenge! I wasn't sure what was worse- the temperature, the draught, the noise or the smelly, sweaty guy sitting in front of me and staring- he gave me the creeps!

But I'm home now and I still feel hot... tired too, but most of all HOT!

I am so worried about the future, I don't know how I will manage over the next month, there is so much to do, but first I have to survive the heat... My feet are swollen, I feel like, like I don't know what.

I don't think I will manage to do anything today, this post is a good proof of the fact that I am not capable of writing anything worth reading today, so I won't even touch upon my thesis, instead I will listen to Jack Johnson and then go to sleep...

My niece tells me it looks like a storm is coming- GOOD! I love a storm! I can't explain why, but storms have always fascinated me. Perhaps, because my mother was always terrified by it- anything that can scare my mother must be fascinating, she is a very brave woman and it's her day tomorrow, I hope it will be a good one!

Nighty!

Future

I seem to have lost all my motivation lately.
It happens to me from time to time- the air simply goes out and I do not feel fit to do anything...I t has happened again.
Of course it's the wrong time, the worst possible in fact - the clock is ticking, time is running out. A month from now my TTC days will be over (not the exams though). I really need to focus now if I plan to complete everything on time. But despite all that (or perhaps, because of it), I feel like it's not worth the effort.It's all too much too soon and I'm not ready to finish this chapter of my book of life yet. I'm not ready to move on, I don't want to, I won't manage, I'm scared...
Life is a real beach(!) at the moment but it will become even more so in a few months.
I hate the fact that I don’t know what will happen with me them, I hate this uncertainty, I hate to feel so insecure. What if I fail my exams? What if I pass but just? And even If I do well, what should I do next. My reason says I should go straight for Master's programme. But I can't stand the thought of getting stuck here for another 2 years.
I want to go places, I want to feel alive again, I want to curl up on my bed and read something I want to read. I want to swim in the sea, I want to climb a mountain, I don't want to study methodology. I want to teach new, interesting people. I want to get to know them, I want to become a part of their lives, I want to make a difference...I want to sleep, I want to dance, I want to fly somewhere I've never been before...
I,I,I..., too much I here... selfish, selfish creature...

24 hours later...

I thought the question I asked yesterday was an easy one- well... think again D!
I was amazed how many people took part in the game... I guess we all like a challenge, don't we?

So, was it "some tissues or blood vessels under the microscope?"- naah! "Some hair with dandruff," perhaps? No! Why, maybe "gastro-intestinal haemorrhage," then? Nope! "Frozen bundle of asparagus..?" NO! (I am impressed by your vocabulary, though!)

I would love to keep this whole thing up and have you guessing till your fingers bleed, but the truth is that I'm just too nice for such cruel tricks...
Therefore, I will share my secret with you.
The picture presents my best friend, so stand up and give a standing ovation to...
Mr...
Influenza Virus (Flu Virus) !!! Yeeeeeeeeah!
Want to get to know him better?

Classification:
Orthomyxoviridae
Structure:
seg., lin., ssRNA-, helical, env.

Whatever that means...

I feel better today. My nose is still somewhat blocked but I'm feeling fine (though I do have a slight suspicion that I owe it to the rather strong Vodka drink my mother has just prepared for me... They spoil me here, especially when I'm ill:)
I had a very nice day. I went shopping with my father, a thing we never do together, and it was really nice, quite successful- I bought a new top.
I'm not sure whether I did anything else that was productive, maybe I did but I just don't remember it- too much medicine, I guess...
But now I'm having a date with McCarthy- having consumed the nice drink, I feel perfectly ready for it! lol!
Enjoy the evening!
xxx

Nothing...

For the first time, I have nothing to write about...

I wanted to write something witty and interesting- Verona told me today she's looking forward to new posts. So I got home, connected Henryk Patryk (my laptop) to Internet, made some coffee and... I discovered that I have nothing to write about. Such a huge disappointment! My nose is runny, my head aches, I feel like s... (o.k. I won't use bad language here, you know what I mean).

The past week just flew by. I had so much to do. Deadline after deadline... I had to cut down on my sleep and the result is this horrible cold- a vengeance of my unhappy body. Whoever saw me in the past two days knows full well that I am certainly not 'flourishing':)

The most significant events this week were supplied by my teaching practice. I conducted my first three classes in Polish high school and gimnazjum. I was terrified! I worried myself sick (literally, as you know:)

But they went well. Surprisingly, gimnazjum lessons were easier to conduct. That's because I taught a class of girls- I liked them very much, I 'm glad I didn't have to fake my affection for them.

High school students were loud! That's basically all I can say about them. The pace of the lesson didn't live up to my expectations... It seems to me that the students somehow sensed that I was going to trick them into writing poetry and did their best to prevent it. All I can say is that, they did succeed in prolonging it, but they will create the poem next week, they will!!! I will trick them into poetry writing -hehehe!

And now I will go to bed... I don't feel fit to write anything interesting, and I don't want to put you people off visiting my blog.

Peace!

Ps. Can you guess what's on the picture?

A crazy Saturday

We have a crazy day today, as the title suggests.

But, to tell you the truth, every day on my parents' farm is a bit crazy. I happen to have an extensive family and the farm is the place they all tend to invade on a day like today.

Today happens to be my sister's Name Day and so an additional amount of craziness follows.

It's only noon and already there are 6 teenagers and a toddler running about the house. I dread to think of the upcoming evening.

On top of it all, it is necessary to keep the farm in order, all the cows and chickens and my cats, of course (there are 7!). I must say that since I've moved to Poznan, I appreciate the farm work more, I also find it more difficult and it causes more damage to my 'city body'. I ended up with two huge blisters on my hand yesterday...

The nice thing about the life here is that nobody cares about exams and thesis (though my niece is in the midst of her Matura examinations), to farmers they are completely abstract concepts. As a result I don't care so much about them either and can relax a bit. Of course, I came here hoping to finish my third chapter, and will do it no matter what, but probably somewhere around midnight- the only time when the house becomes peaceful and quiet...

Right now there are three kinds of salads waiting to be prepared, so I have to run and do useful things.

Ps. I would like to thank for the comments that have finally begun to appear here- I really needed them to keep my spirits up- thanx! :)

Past and present times...

The past:

I am more than happy to post here my old picture. I use it on my MSN and Skype, I love it!
O.K. it's a tiny bit embarrassing, but at least it makes people laugh a lot. The glasses especially...
I was 8 then...

The present:

I am very grateful to Mrs. Lewandowska for commenting on my blog. Nobody else takes the trouble, though... I don't understand why? What's wrong with my blog? I get some verbal feedback, but that's all. It is very discouraging, I must say...

28/04/07

A perfect morning.
Saturday, I got up at 7am, got dressed and went shopping. The air was fresh, smelled of dew, the sun was shining and it was already getting warm. I bought fresh bread, a newspaper and some fruits and vegetables.
I felt perfectly happy and unaffected by all the everyday troubles. I wore torn jeans and a huge t-shirt and felt sooooo comfortable. It was today, yet it seems so long ago…
Pity, but maybe tomorrow morning will be just as nice… maybe….

I’ve heard some people say that given the chance they wouldn’t have changed anything in their lives, that they don’t regret anything, they’d do it all over again. I am nothing like that…
I can do or say something and regret it the next second and wish that I could turn back time. And the things I had done at other, more distant times I tend to regret even more. When I think of good memories I wish I could live through those moments again and no mater how perfect those moments had been I can always think of about a million of things I could do to improve them. Does that make me a bad person? Does it mean that I am immature, I should have grown out of it and maybe one day will? Or maybe I’m just completely messed up and unable to accept myself? Perhaps, it’s a bit of it all…
On evenings like this one, it is difficult not to think of the past and to resist thinking that so many things I could have done differently, with a better result for others and myself.
I am alone in my flat, as my flatmate has gone home for the weekend. It’s ‘the long weekend’, for some at least. And my landlords have been enjoying the gorgeous weather in their garden. I was, thus, confined to my flat. I cleaned it thoroughly, it got a bit grubby due to our thesis writing, and I do confess I have ‘a thing’ about ACE, I love bleaching the bathroom- how sick is that? And somehow the day just flew by, OK I did fall asleep at some point- too much ACE and I did have to get up before 7 am today. I also fought a lost battle with the ants who are invading my kitchen.
And now it’s the evening, I didn’t even touch my thesis today, the weather has changed- it’s ‘chucking it down’ (my tribute to McCarthy). I’m listening to ‘Parachutes’ and watching my pictures from Vasa- a ‘how low can you go’ sort of evening. And I’ve rather quickly managed to get myself into a state. I’m wondering, why I didn’t do and say so many things I could have and why I did and said so many things I shouldn’t have… Sad, very sad…
But most of all I miss my Erasmus time, I miss it badly. Sitting alone I miss not just Vasa, but the people with whom I had spent my time there. I couldn’t have been more fortunate in this respect. I met the best people there live in Europe and we became friends. In Vasa every day was an experience, and adventure and most importantly, every day was spent in the company of friends. Here, I tend to feel very lonesome, my Polish friends are either out of town, or busy studying, working, getting married… Therefore, I miss talking politics to Volker, I miss talking religion to Emilie, I miss talking relationships to Silvia, I miss talking sadness to Andi, I miss talking life to Lorenz, I miss…. I could go on for a while here…
When I think of Finland, I wish I had been more open, more outgoing, slept less, did more, etc. I also wish I had not been such a cow to Iza. I really did give her a hard time sometimes, I don’t know how she managed to survive through it all and not murder me… Sorry Iza…
I can’t change all that, I can’t go back and have a great time, I should enjoy the moment, I know, otherwise, tomorrow I will regret having wasted this evening in such a stupid manner, but I can’t help myself….
“I-I never meant to cause you trouble, I-I never meant to do you wrong…”, God, I love Coldplay!
…

Ze Thesis:)

It was suggested that we write something about our thesis... hmmm...
What can I say? Maybe that, to me, writing my thesis is like giving birth to a child- very painful. I heard some people do it on drugs, but I prefer the natural way, lol!
And I'm sure that once my baby is out and screaming I will be the happiest person in the world, I will love my baby best and to me it will be the most wonderful thesis out there.
One thing worries me, that is, that I have so little time...
Creating a masterpiece tends to be time consuming, but I have to rush and dash...
Nonetheless, I have learnt loads! I know now that my style of writing is pompous and that I take it all too personally- such was the case in my first chapter. Therefore, the second one I wrote without any personal involvement whatsoever. I shall have it back this Tuesday- will see how that worked out.
That's it, I can't talk about it any longer, it makes me feel guilty I am not writing...
Ps. In case that is of any interest to you, I am writing about using poetry to develop productive skills. Why such topic? Search me!

14.04.07

O.K., I take back my words… Yesterday, I saw another elderly happy couple holding hands. It was not the same one, I am positive.
Clearly it’s the weather, or maybe it’s the place. Living opposite a huge grave yard one is daily reminded that life, indeed, is short and you should enjoy it while it lasts. Be happy, fall in love, eat another cookie, that kind of thing. Could be.
I was blessed with a garden here in Poznan. The flat my friend and I are renting is peculiar, extremely expensive heating makes it extremely cold in winter, something is forever in the need of fixing, our landlords are happy to deprive us of out refrigerator for a weekend, but one huge plus, which makes all the inconveniences disappear, is the garden.
On regular basis invaded by the landlords’ children who tend to be somewhat loud, on days like today, when the lady is visiting her friends and the ‘lord’ enjoys himself in Argentina, the garden is ours. We spent the entire morning sitting in the sunshine and swinging (we are also blessed with a huge swing), reading our assignments- lovely!

Last week

Gorgeous weather today, too bad it wasn’t like that for Easter, I missed taking my annual sisterly walk.
My sisters and I do it every year after breakfast on Easter. We take a long stroll around the fields and forest that surround my parents’ farm. We walk, we talk, we admire the first signs of spring, we complain about pollution and the occasional rubbish scattered on the ground, and most importantly we burn the extra calories from ‘the breakfast feast.’
This time, the windy and cold weather stood in our way. Pity! Watching telly or surfing the net all day was not nearly as enjoyable…
Today, however, the weather simply begs one to get out and enjoy a walk about.
Today, also, I am in Poznan and too busy with working on my thesis to get out. Nonetheless, I got a taste of the pleasant temperature and sunshine when I went to college.
On my way to the tram stop I walked behind a couple- they were holding hands and chatting, obviously deeply in love, only they were about 70 years old! Why should it be so surprising? Surely, people their age can be in love.
Only I’ve never seen such a couple before in my life.
A nice change, made me smile and dream about a better life…

Back to Dark Ages

Sorry...
I know I've been rather silent lately, but I'm in Poznan, i.e. I have no Internet again.
I'm also extremely busy...
But I've been writing, will post soon, when I'm home for the weekend.

Poznan- here I go again...

Easter over, I am some five kilograms bigger (never too much of a good thing, though, lol!) it is time for me to pack up and return to Poznan. I am not thrilled, but I realise that not much time is left now till summer.
Soon enough I will be in for some serious exams, but will also be able to spend some time with my 'far-off friends', and will travel again. I must confess that I find sitting in one place very difficult.
My idea of happiness is: a calm evening in my room, drinking wine by the candle light and listening to my favourite music. And, yet, spending more that a few months in one place is above me, I cannot do it. I need to go places, and this urge is stronger than me. But, what is even more crazy, having flown over an ocean, being in a new, exotic country I am perfectly content to lock myself in my room and contemplate. No logic, very expensive, another sign of my mental instability, I think :D
Right now it is, of course, time to focus on my studies, but when my friends ask about my plans for the summer I am unable to tell them anything, I don't know where I will be in 3 months - in Poznan, London, New York, Madrid? I don't know! That's the best and the worst part of it all.
O.K. I don't blame you if you didn't understand a thing from this post, I'd love to stay here and explain but I need to pack up and catch a train!
C U!

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!!!

Dearest Readers,
I hope you enjoy your holidays in a peaceful atmosphere filled with love and happiness, surrounded by those you love most...

I certainly plan to enjoy myself, no schoolwork and after 40 days of Lent I shall finally have a glass of red wine- gosh I've missed it. But then "I've always enjoyed my drink"- I said so myself one time and my flatmate won't let me forget about it :)
xxx

Good Friday

Good Morning!
One of the most torturous days in the year has just began. The day when everything enjoyable is strictly forbidden- no TV, no music, 3 meals only. Work and contemplation are to fill our time throughout the day...
It used to be so at least. Nowadays, we seem to stick to the minimum, that is the 3 meals and work. (You can probably tell from the fact that I'm using Internet, the work of devil, right now.) The work being mostly cooking and baking, it's torturous enough I'd say.
All throughout the year I can easily forgo breakfast, often simply forget about it, Ash Wednesday included, this being a regular work day, there is little time to think about food.
Good Friday, however, is the only day in the year when I am able to begin to imagine how a person with a serious eating disorder must feel. Food everywhere and you mustn't touch it, what can be more cruel? Only the fact that my adolescent nieces don't follow the fasting routine and happily munch on whatever they fancy- NOT FAIR!

Why Communism sucks.

A man around 50 (he happened to mention his age) asked me today at a bus stop, "why do young people these days destroy bus stops?"
And I thought: ‘Why me?!?’ Why do people choose to address such questions to me? (after all there were about 20 other people waiting for the bus).
Of course, I politely answered “Maybe, it’s because they are frustrated…”, “Why should they be frustrated?", he asked. “In my times, under the Communist regime…” and on it went.
Let me just tell you, dear reader, I am sick of the Communist regime!!! Not because I experienced it, but because not a day passes when I do not hear it mentioned!
That’s it for today- I am tired and cranky, as you can probably sense from this note…

Beware!

Easter is coming!

‘You’d better watch out, you’d better not cry
You’d better not pout, I’m telling you why
Easter Bunny’s coming to town…’

I’ve always enjoyed Easter celebrations. I can’t get enough of them!
There is, however, still half a week to go. How shall I manage?
The few days before Easter are the worst! The rush at college, teachers doing their best to exhaust students, parents rushing their children to make their houses clean and shiny. Rush, rush, rush!

My family and college are no different. So the plan is as follows:
Thursday- I shall return home and rush to church, afterwards will be involved in the cleaning/baking process.
Friday- the baking/cooking ordeal, church included.
Saturday- cooking/baking/churching continues.
In the meantime I will have had about a dozen of arguments with my adolescent nieces and with both my sisters and mother, my father will have come up with a dozen of ideas for interrupting the cooking/baking/churching.
Finally, Sunday, but on the topic of this special day I will fill you in when I’m home again.

As for now, I got up at 5am this morning and, not surprisingly, feel dead-tired. I had a very enjoyable walk this afternoon (love the sight of the trees in blossom!). It helped me to recharge my batteries, gave me wings. I also did some serious cleaning and had a nice cup of coffee and a chat with ‘the Grandma’- my landlady- a very amusing person.

A bee day.

What a busy day! But it's different kind of busy, not the busy writing-studying kind, but the busy cleaning-cooking one. It's a nice change, but exhausting, nonetheless.
Cleaning never was a problem, cooking I don't like so much but manage well, most of the time.
The worst part is still ahead. The cooking and cleaning took place for a reason- it's my mother's Name day and any moment now a bunch of crazy aunts will enter the house- now that's really scary! I can almost hear them: 'Oh, D. how thin you are!', 'Oh, D. when are you getting married?', 'Oh, D. I hope you're not planning to go abroad again, you will stay here with your parents, won't you?'
As I said before: SCARY!
But if I can handle my studies and my 'special' emotional life, I can handle the aunts too.
Wish me luck!
xxx

Thesis writing

A rough day is gone, a rough night ahead.
I never knew how painful writing my thesis would turn out. Of course, I was not so naive as to think that it would be easy, quick and enjoyable. Nonetheless, I am surprised… And a little bit unnerved...
It’s not the lack of sleep that I find unbearable, it’s the lack of ideas.
How empty can one’s brain be, honestly!
Ghr! It does make me very angry with myself!

Last weekend

Weekends like this one can be truly depressing…
Finally, the real spring has come to Poland. The sun is shining, warming up the fresh-smelling air, the birds are chirping, the cats spread on the grass, delighting in the sun rays, observing the appetizing-looking birds. Humans walk leisurely about the parks and graveyards, thinking happy thoughts. The happy couples in love… actually, lets not go there…
And me? Well, rather cranky, having slept but little, spending another glorious day in front of the computer, writing away on my thesis and assigned essays. Life (is this really life???) is a b(it difficult).
At least it allows me to enjoy the soft and warm caresses of sun rays on my face… Yes, the sunshine is very tempting, seducing almost.
hmmmmmmmm.

15th March

Smells
They are everywhere. They are magical.
Do you also love the smell of freshly cut grass? I adore it! And today, first time this year really, I smelt it. Warm sun was shining in my face and I was delighting in it. Then, before I knew it, there was this smell. ‘Smells like spring’, I thought. But then I realised that the smell could be described more precisely- it was grass. I looked around, and sure enough, there was a gardener working in front of one of the family houses I pass on my way to the tram stop, busy clearing away freshly cut grass. How fortunate, that I should be passing that way, and too, since I was planning to walk towards the other tram stop today!
I then looked around, smiling, and noticed, to my surprise, the great number of spring flowers which have appeared in the past week- truly tremendous!
Next, I remembered that the grass was not the first spring smell for me today. I smelt the radishes I ate for breakfast this morning. They made me think of spring, of the spring two years passed, when I lived in Wilda area and my vegetable-crazy-lawyer flatmate ate tons of radishes- I’d never seen anyone express such fondness for radishes before. Made me long for Wilda, I loved living there, I loved walking around in sunshine, wondering among the many beautiful old buildings- so underappreciated by the local people and the passers-by.
Sells are truly magical- can make you happy, can move you in time and space.
…

Weekend at last!

I thought this week would never end- it was bad, it was really bad. Work, work, work and all this sunshine and spring outside that I couldn't enjoy...
But I survived, which is the most important thing. And now, having spend 3 hours on a smelly train, I am finally home (in my parents' house, that is) and no longer in the Dark Ages ( no longer without Internet connection).
The weather is good and I am 100 kilometers away from Poznan and all my problems.
I will, thus, try to share with you here some of my writings from the past two weeks, which could not be posted before (for reasons already mentioned).

We have a problem!

The problem is- I have no Internet, so I cannot post. But I am writing continuously, whenever I need therapy and soon, very soon will post and post and post. Patience!
Peace!
Life is a beautiful present!!!!

21st

The spring has come....