28/04/07

A perfect morning.
Saturday, I got up at 7am, got dressed and went shopping. The air was fresh, smelled of dew, the sun was shining and it was already getting warm. I bought fresh bread, a newspaper and some fruits and vegetables.
I felt perfectly happy and unaffected by all the everyday troubles. I wore torn jeans and a huge t-shirt and felt sooooo comfortable. It was today, yet it seems so long ago…
Pity, but maybe tomorrow morning will be just as nice… maybe….

I’ve heard some people say that given the chance they wouldn’t have changed anything in their lives, that they don’t regret anything, they’d do it all over again. I am nothing like that…
I can do or say something and regret it the next second and wish that I could turn back time. And the things I had done at other, more distant times I tend to regret even more. When I think of good memories I wish I could live through those moments again and no mater how perfect those moments had been I can always think of about a million of things I could do to improve them. Does that make me a bad person? Does it mean that I am immature, I should have grown out of it and maybe one day will? Or maybe I’m just completely messed up and unable to accept myself? Perhaps, it’s a bit of it all…
On evenings like this one, it is difficult not to think of the past and to resist thinking that so many things I could have done differently, with a better result for others and myself.
I am alone in my flat, as my flatmate has gone home for the weekend. It’s ‘the long weekend’, for some at least. And my landlords have been enjoying the gorgeous weather in their garden. I was, thus, confined to my flat. I cleaned it thoroughly, it got a bit grubby due to our thesis writing, and I do confess I have ‘a thing’ about ACE, I love bleaching the bathroom- how sick is that? And somehow the day just flew by, OK I did fall asleep at some point- too much ACE and I did have to get up before 7 am today. I also fought a lost battle with the ants who are invading my kitchen.
And now it’s the evening, I didn’t even touch my thesis today, the weather has changed- it’s ‘chucking it down’ (my tribute to McCarthy). I’m listening to ‘Parachutes’ and watching my pictures from Vasa- a ‘how low can you go’ sort of evening. And I’ve rather quickly managed to get myself into a state. I’m wondering, why I didn’t do and say so many things I could have and why I did and said so many things I shouldn’t have… Sad, very sad…
But most of all I miss my Erasmus time, I miss it badly. Sitting alone I miss not just Vasa, but the people with whom I had spent my time there. I couldn’t have been more fortunate in this respect. I met the best people there live in Europe and we became friends. In Vasa every day was an experience, and adventure and most importantly, every day was spent in the company of friends. Here, I tend to feel very lonesome, my Polish friends are either out of town, or busy studying, working, getting married… Therefore, I miss talking politics to Volker, I miss talking religion to Emilie, I miss talking relationships to Silvia, I miss talking sadness to Andi, I miss talking life to Lorenz, I miss…. I could go on for a while here…
When I think of Finland, I wish I had been more open, more outgoing, slept less, did more, etc. I also wish I had not been such a cow to Iza. I really did give her a hard time sometimes, I don’t know how she managed to survive through it all and not murder me… Sorry Iza…
I can’t change all that, I can’t go back and have a great time, I should enjoy the moment, I know, otherwise, tomorrow I will regret having wasted this evening in such a stupid manner, but I can’t help myself….
“I-I never meant to cause you trouble, I-I never meant to do you wrong…”, God, I love Coldplay!
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