Under

'There is nothing I can do,' I said to myself this morning lying half-awake in my bed, 'my life will never change.' It was true, in a way, my life always follows the same pattern, ever since I remember, or to be more precise, ever since I became a conscious being.
I am lost and don't know what to do, then an opportunity appears and I follow it, it seems all very well for a while, I feel happy, ecstatic sometimes, and then the feeling slowly dies down, gives way to the routine, the sense of helplessness and loss of control slowly creeps over me, I give into it, I begin to slip, to sink deeper and deeper, dark thoughts gather around me thoughts of the past without bright future, the feeling of loneliness, uselessness and then all becomes dark- I go to sleep...
I sleep a lot, whenever I am depressed. My mind and body give in. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I want to sleep and never wake up again...
It happened again- it gained momentum yesterday. And this morning (noon, to be more precise- I slept a lot) I was still weak and I wondered- 'why does it still frighten me so much whenever I feel that I am going down? Why am I still afraid that I will stay at the bottom and never resurface again? Is it at all possible?' I lay in bed and wondered. But then somebody gave me a push forward, I pulled myself together and began to tidy my room and with it my mind again. Everything fell into place, everything was crystal clear and it still is. I only hope that the bright spot will stay around for longer this time. I don't want to take a plunge again, not just yet...